How Big is Your Package?

Every year after the festival is over I am exhausted. All I want is to sit quietly with my legs elevated wearing some sort of beer hat device full of 50 while minions rub my sore festival knees and my dry hobbit feet.

Every year after the festival I also wish I had seen just one more movie. Last year The King’s Speech and Super were on my list of festival regrets, along with the three bar night that started with me leaving Blue Valentine early and missing the QandA so that I would have enough time to get to the bathroom and get a coffee before getting back to the Ryerson to see Kaboom. Araki can be entertaining, but one must always make room for more Gosling. Always. More. Gosling.

End tangent.

You will never see everything you want, but if you plan, you will get to see what you need to get you through until Christmas. Many high-profile ‘good quality’ festival movies will be released just before the end of December so if you miss out on a Black Swan or a Precious because they are Galas with limited public screenings it’s not the end of the world.

Unless you are taking part or all of the week off to dedicate to seeing movies anything more than 10 to 15 films will be pretty tough. Even with the extra Sunday it’s a lot – and weekend screenings are always more crowded and likely to run late due to timing and traffic issues that slow the programmers and talent down when it comes to intros. Whether you go with a programmer choice pack, choose your own adventure option or some combination of both you still need time for bodily functions and travel time between theatres. Options are limited in the evenings for the first few days because of the amount of tough-to-get premium screenings and high profile North American premieres.

For the semi-pro crowd who take a couple of days off and locals that have flexible work schedules (or absentee managers) you can try for 15 to 20, but the high end of that range will still require some creative scheduling, a lucky draw in the ticket lottery and an ability to enjoy a broad range of films.

If you are planning to dedicate the week (and your life and back and feet) to the festival then you can go for 20 or more up to the ultimate hardcore 50 film pass. I still have yet to meet anyone that is not paid in some way to see movies for their day job that sees over 45 films, but like the unicorn I must believe they exist. A pale and magical creature that needs neither daylight or sustenance and simply lives on the dust illuminated by the projectionist during a film.

Good luck, and as always be VERY patient with the TIFF site when trying to purchase.

I’m wet

Another unintentionally suggestive title. However I am sweaty from hours spent hunched over the books, flipping back and forth, counting on my fingers and muttering to myself like an old crone over a cauldron. The list is what it is – and the end result is beyond my control. I must wash the highlighter and Sharpie ink from my fingers, rinse out my Stella Artois glass, and hope for [wait for it] a good box.

Seriously if anyone knows a virgin…

Command Central

One more sleep

One night left until I pick up a shiny new programme book. I may sleep. Or I may stay up and watch movies and have to do shots of brown liquor in order to sedate myself in order to avoid spontaneous combustion due to excitement.

I have my supplies.

For 10 movies or less

Free schedule
Calendar
Pen
Pencil
Internet
* movie descriptions
* map
Highlighters
* Yellow
* Green

More than 10 movies

Programme book
Free Schedule
Calendar (Real world or Google)
Notebook (Real world or Google)
Post-it Flags
Internet
* movie descriptions
* map
Highlighters
* Yellow
* Green

Entertainment Weekly Fall Movie Preview

Optional:

Vestal Virgin(s) for sacrifice – in order to get a good box for the advance ticketing. I’m just guessing this would help, I don’t know many actual virgins.

ETA: And the bloody pick up coupons. Whew – close call.

Googlin’ it

It’s time to make a new Google notebook for my early picks from the film list.

Last year's notebook

It’s a great way to keep a list as you work your way through all the early online reviews.

Google loves me and I love Google. Google makes my life easier. I don’t care that Google knows everything about me, everything I think about, search for and all my secret desires. Google takes good care of me. Why should I bother to remember or learn anything when Google can just keep track of it for me?

You need to do this before the programme book comes out, and you let yourself be charmed by the evil geniuses who provide the stills for the films. They manage to make even the crappiest ones appear deep and interesting because of the pictures.

It’s like a sickness

I’m just sitting, crouched like a stalker in the bushes on the TIFF site page hitting refresh and waiting for the film list. Why do I torture myself like this every year? I should just go to bed so I can get to work early and spend lunch on the TIFF site guilt-free. But I can’t help it. I need to know now. I don’t need to delay the frakking gratification the festival only happens once a year! It’s the only time I take more than two consecutive days off work. I need this, and I need to know what’s coming now.

I’m going to fix myself a cocktail now. Perhaps with a muscle relaxant chaser. This kind of obsessive behaviour can’t be good for my skin.